Quotes & Jokes by Frankie Boyle / page 3
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.