Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 2

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

In today's America, no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone's a winner. No matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy, no one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important, character building words: "You lost, Bobby! You lost, you're a loser, Bobby!" They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? "You were the last winner." A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their twenties. When their boss calls them in and says "Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser."

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the big problem?

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.