George Lopez Quotes and Jokes

90 quotes

Chicanos never say congratulations when people do well. “I got a job over at the hospital.” “‘S about time.” Do we say good luck? No, we say, “Don’t fuck it up like last time.” Or, “So now you think you’re all bad, or what?” Go to the Hallmark store and look for that card. “Do you have a Now-You-Think-You’re-All-Bad card?”

The guy is like Honduran-German. Why would you pretend to be Mexican? I think he had that intention from the beginning that he was going to play Mexican.

We're Mexican not Mexican't!

Life is too short to not have an orgasm every day.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.

Dammit, I can never do nothing!

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. “What part of Mexico are your ancestors from?” Los Angeles, bitch!

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.