I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor, so I make her say "Ahhhh" then charge her $700.
My mother could say some stupid things. I do something wrong, she'd say things that didn't even make sense. "You go to your room and you stay there until you know how to act." I'm in my room for three hours. "To be or not to be, that is the question."
Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.
I swear some days I think I owe my toilet an apology.
Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.
As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.