Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 3

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.

Wine me, dine me, Deep Space Nine me.

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.