Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 3

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

Wine me, dine me, Deep Space Nine me.

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.