Quotes & Jokes by Greg Proops / page 4

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

Today’s topic: premenstrual syndrome, the bastards that inflict upon women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down!

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.