Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Humor is reason gone mad.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?