Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 2

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast