Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 2

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.