Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 4

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.