Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 4

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.