Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 4

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.