Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 4

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.