Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 4

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.