Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 3

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.