Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 3

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.