Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 3

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.