Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 3

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.