Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx / page 3

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.