Quotes & Jokes by J. B. Smoove / page 4

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.

Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.