Quotes & Jokes by J. B. Smoove / page 4

Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?