Quotes & Jokes by J. B. Smoove / page 4

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.