Quotes & Jokes by J. B. Smoove / page 5

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.

No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.

When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I’m working with my left and right hand. I’m the two-sided coin. I’m all of those metaphors you can think of. I’m the interracial couple. I’m BET and CBS.

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.