Quotes & Jokes by J. B. Smoove / page 7

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.

I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.