Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny / page 2

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.