Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny / page 2
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.