Quotes & Jokes by Jack Benny / page 2

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.