Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes

44 quotes

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.