Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes


I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.