My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
Predictions are preposterous.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...
'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?