Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 2
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.