Jay Leno Quotes and Jokes

224 quotes

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?

Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.