Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 2
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.