Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 2
If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.
Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.