Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 2

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.

You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.