Jerry Seinfeld Quotes and Jokes

136 quotes

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out everybody I'm workin with pills up here. I'm taking pills from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle! That's my whole job.I can't be down on the floor with you people. Then I'm gonna type out, on a little piece of paper. And it's really hard."

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to. ...To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."