Jim Breuer Quotes and Jokes

11 quotes

You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'

Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.

You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?

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They suck. It's like being in love with an alcoholic. It's like, you constantly defend her, and people are like, 'Dude, your alcoholic friend is a mess,' and you're like, 'Nah, you don't know her like I do.'

I went out there, and she was playing some theater.

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.

I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.

The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?

Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'

I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that.