Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
Originality is really important.
Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
If you've got a talent, protect it.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"
Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
I love playing ego and insecurity combined.
Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.
I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.
My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."
That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."
He who hesitates, masturbates.
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.
My teacher in the seventh grade told me that if I didn't fool around during class, I could have 15 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine. Instead of bugging everybody, I'd figure out my routine. And at the end of the day, I'd get to perform in front of my entire class. I thought it was really smart of her. It's amazing how important that was.
There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.
How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
I enjoy fame except when I'm with my daughter. Kids stop me all the time and I don't want her to be jealous of the attention. Also, sometimes I just want to be left alone and I refuse to make rubber faces. That's when they start asking, "What's the matter, man, don't you like your job?" I say, "Yeah, I like my job. But I also like having sex, and I'm not going to do that in front of you either."