Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.