Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 2

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? <br /> Guy in Audence - He's my brother. <br /> Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.