Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 2
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? <br /> Guy in Audence - He's my brother. <br /> Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"