Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 2
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? <br /> Guy in Audence - He's my brother. <br /> Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.