Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 4

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.