Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 4

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.