Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 4

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.