Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 3

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.