Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 3

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”