Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr / page 3

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"