Joan Rivers Quotes and Jokes

165 quotes

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"