Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 10
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.