Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 11
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.