Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 11
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.