Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 11
Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.
He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.
The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.