Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 11

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.

Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

I always knew I shouldn't have said that.

Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.