Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 19

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.