Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 18

I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.

You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.