Quotes & Jokes by Kristen Schaal / page 3

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!