Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 5
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'
We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"
The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV because we don't wanna read! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.