Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 6
N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we’ve thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”’ And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I’ve never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.
The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.