Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 6
I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV because we don't wanna read! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.
N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.