Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 8

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

Everybody's got cable.

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.