Quotes & Jokes by Lewis Black / page 7
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.
These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.