Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 13

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.

I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I don't have a brother in real life.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.