Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 12

It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

Everything that people say is testable.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.