Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 3
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the fuck up. First of all, if you're single, your life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you're helping people aggressively, which you're fucking not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn't matter. It doesn't. Your mother will cry or whatever, but otherwise, nobody gives a shit.
You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.