Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 4

I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Humans are always evolving. If you do one thing that if done by every human would destroy the world, that makes you Hitler... I don't live by any of those. But I believe them all very strongly.

I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other for no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kinda think you need that to keep quality control 'cause in places where it doesn't have it, they're too free.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.

I can feel how an audience is reacting when I’m on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That’s something you just have to know. It’s like pilots that fly at high Gs and they lose, sometimes, consciousness and hand/eye coordination and they just have to know that that’s going to happen. They have to be trained to not try to do too much while they are doing that. So when you are on stage, you have to be aware that you are wrong about how it feels a lot of times.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.