Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 7

Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.

When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?

I really love Barack Obama. Sorry if that’s like “Ew. The president. That’s lame.” I love Barack Obama. What a great man. I’m so lucky to have voted for that guy.

If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.