Quotes & Jokes by Louis C. K. / page 7

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

I really love Barack Obama. Sorry if that’s like “Ew. The president. That’s lame.” I love Barack Obama. What a great man. I’m so lucky to have voted for that guy.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?