Quotes & Jokes by Milton Jones / page 3

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A."

"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."