Mort Sahl Quotes and Jokes

69 quotes

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.

He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.