Mort Sahl Quotes and Jokes

69 quotes

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

If you can't join them, beat them.

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.

He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.