Mort Sahl Quotes and Jokes

69 quotes

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

If you can't join them, beat them.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.