Paul Reiser Quotes and Jokes


I love coffee. I don’t drink coffee but I love it. I drink tea and I don’t like it. Let me say something about tea. Tea starts out bad and never gets better. You put in honey, cream, sugar, lemon and you still go "Ooh that’s bad!" And the people who make tea know it’s bad. That’s why they give you so many choices. You go into a store and there’s a thousand types of teas. Every herb fruit and spice in every combination. They’re desperate to make this stuff palatable and it almost works. You think, "Wow! Look at this! Apple, cinnamon, mango cherry tea. This should be great. I like all those things... This is going to be just great." You take a sip and go "Nope That’s still very bad."

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.

Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.

By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: "Hey, whoever made this up - thanks."

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

The way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don't. If they get it, there's nothing to explain, and if they don't, there's no point in trying to explain. They don't get it. Move on.

My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.

Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"

There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.

I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.