I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.
My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.
What’s an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?
Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.
I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
If I go over there I might have a heart attack when I see he’s dead. If I stay, I might have a heart attack just from the suspense of not knowing. So, whether I stay or I go, I go.
Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.