Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.
Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
What’s an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.
I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.
Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.
There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.
When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.