Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman / page 2
I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?