Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman / page 3
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.