Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman / page 3
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.