Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman / page 3
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.