Quotes & Jokes by Sarah Silverman / page 3
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.