I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
Tim Allen Quotes and Jokes
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.