Tim Allen Quotes and Jokes

49 quotes

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.