Quotes & Jokes by Tim Allen / page 4

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.