Quotes & Jokes by Tim Vine / page 2

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."