Quotes & Jokes by Tim Vine / page 2

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".